Weaned

I have been weaning Frankie for several weeks now, gradually cutting out a feeding about every 10 days or so. She *amazingly* decided that she was willing to take a bottle once more, so she nows gets a bottle in the morning and at night. She gets the rest of her formula from a sippy cup throughout the day.

I wanted to mark our last nurse purposefully, more for me than for her, so that I could enjoy that last time of special closeness with my daughter, an official passing of a stage and chapter in our lives. The last nurse was to be tomorrow, on her 9 month birthday.

We'd been down to one feeding for a while, the 4:30/5:00 feed that was always really more about comfort than food. I've been dreading eliminating this feeding, because it turns my fussy child into a content baby for about 45 minutes or so, which is enough time for me to prepare dinner or get us home from Heather's.

Apparently, in order to prove to me that you really can't have one specific event that mark when a child moves from one stage to another (as much as we like to invent them, it seems to always be much more of a gradual process), Frankie refused to nurse on Saturday for the first time since she was about a month old, thus making Friday, November 9th the last day I nursed my daughter.

I'm a little sad that I didn't get to make it to my pre-determined day. I planned on savoring every moment, allowing myself to shed a few tears for my big girl and how quickly she's growing up. But in a lot of ways it makes it easier for me. I didn't feel guilty today when I didn't nurse her, where I might have if I had been the one to initiate the last nurse, feeling like I was denying her something she loved. Feeling tempted to nurse her one more time, just to make today easier, just to stop the fussing and my guilt.

It's hard to give up such a bond with my baby, but it's an important step for us. People wean for all kinds of reasons, and I've found in talking with other moms that it's almost always a difficult decision and process. Life is a continual letting go for parents, and making decisions that are hard, and sometime painful, but for the best for both of them.

I'm reminded of when Frankie was first born, and she refused to nurse at first. She actually didn't know how to suck when she came out (something all the experts promise you is an innate skill, apparently not for Frankie). We spent a very painful first 10 days finger-feeding, bottle feeding, and (for me, anyway) pumping. I would try and get her to latch and feed everyday during this time, and for a few days there she would give it a go, but clearly liked the bottle better.

In a decision that was terrifying for a new mother, we decided that she needed to learn to nurse, and that I wasn't going to break down and give her a bottle for 24 hours. Babies that young can easily get dehydrated, and I was worried that she wouldn't eat. During the course of one night, I offered her the breast every time she cried, and eventually by the morning we were covered in milk and tears, but she was latching just fine. I remember it being so hard, and thinking that this would be one of the first of countless times that I would have to say no to my daughter and encourage her to go another way because I knew it was a better way for her.

Our Pastor has said that the two things kids desperately need to hear from their parents is "No" and "I love you". It's been remarkable to me how being a parent, even for such a short time, has given me a new perspective on my relationship with God the Father. I am ever amazed with the perfection in which he tells me "No" and "I love you". I pray often for that kind of wisdom in raising my child.